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wow [16 Oct 2008|05:41pm]
[ mood | stoned. ]

44 weeks ago? last post? what's happened?

i moved out of my parents house into this girl amy that i worked with at ihop.
she skipped town, stole my money.
i moved into this girls apartment because she was gonna be gone for a few months.
i met someone hitchhiking who moved to boulder, i went to visit him, sprained my ankle when i was up there, got fired from ihop and drove back up there and lived a few weeks of summer up there.
i left boulder when he was in the bathroom.
i went to california with some of my friends and when i got back, the girl who lived at the apartments mom came into town and changed the lock.
i lived for a week in the same outfit before getting my stuff back.
i ended up moving into shack owned by a 36 year old woman named trina who worked at village inn, and my ex boyfriend jac.
i had to share a bed with jac for about a month before moving up to flagstaff.
i'm living in the dorms, working on a ceramics major with a minors in religion and possibly business.

i can't wait to get out of the dorms, man.

i don't have internet in my dorm, i don't know why, it's only my room that it doesn't work in, but it doesn't matter. i haven't had internet since i moved out of my parents house. i haven't really gone online or watched tv. i don't really do the party/drinking scene since about a week after i got up here when i thought i got roofied. i keep to myself and i smoke my herb with the few people i've connected with up here.

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my body hurts. bad. [08 Dec 2007|02:08pm]

I've been spending a lot of time stoned on mountain tops.

I'm moving in with my mom.
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yayyyy. [15 Nov 2007|07:53pm]
Jason Alexander Coleman

he moves mountains for me.

: ]

I'm not going to lie. I love everything about everything right now. And I'm really glad school is almost over and I mean I will never have to return. I can not wait to go camping because Jac and I are going to build our own kiln! (even if it means burning shiiitt.)

I can not wait to move to Flagstaff. I am finishing glazing the set of dishes I made for when I move out. They are gorgeous. I am stringing beads to put in my door way. I feel like I'm dreaming : ]

I hate Village Inn (but I secretly enjoy serving. Shhh don't tell.)

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[21 Sep 2007|01:05pm]
I am so glad that I have my life back on track and I'm really thankful that I still have friends to fall back on. : )
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I know. [19 Aug 2007|07:42pm]
I am always, always saying that I am through with him! Always! I am sick of hurting because of him. I feel like I have come so far within the past two years, specifically this past year, and he's dragging me down. I can't do that anymore. I find myself feeling guilty from talking to anyone. At all.

Kayla leaves on Saturday and I can't bear the thought of living here without here. My fear of being alone becomes worse the more I think about it. I need to get out of my head. Or even better

I need to 'get it together'.

SENIOR YEAR. Am I going to college? Where? Where will I live? How will I pay for it? Where will I work? What about my job now? I need to make myself a portfolio. I need to start thinking about the future - not relative to months, but to years, and decades. If I don't go to college, where will I work?

I would like to think I can do this by myself but I really don't know if I can. Being with Geremy is not much better than being alone. Life is fleeting and will never be perfect. But you can do your best to make it better for someone else.
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evaporated [27 Jul 2007|03:02pm]
one kiss wasn't enough to keep me here and patiently waiting for you to realize that i'm the one you needed and now you left me for too long and i'm evaporated.
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Anyone remember this [26 Jul 2007|12:19pm]

Not a red rose or a satin heart.

I give you an onion.
It is a moon wrapped in brown paper.
It promises light
like the careful undressing of love.

It will blind you with tears
like a lover.
It will make your reflection
a wobbling photo of grief.

I am trying to be truthful.

Not a cute card or kissogram.

I give you an onion.
Its fierce kiss will stay on your lips,
possessive and faithful
as we are,
for as long as we are.

Take it.
Its platinum loops shrink to a wedding ring,
if you like.
Its scent will cling to your fingers,
cling to your knife.
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g love [23 Jun 2007|02:29pm]
here we go again. you know, you thought i learned my lesson but you know, i didn't. it'd be foolish to pretend and say that i never loved him and i'll never love him again.


cocaine is gross.
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Goals for the summer [07 Jun 2007|10:28pm]
I want to develop a stronger personality that people decide to take seriously, and not patronize.

I want to go tubing. It WILL happen.

I would like it if my purple legs were not so purple anymore.

I want to find a job where I am respected, and were I make more than $7.00/hour.

I want to spend less time on the computer.

I want to be ready for my senior year.

I want to spend more time with my sister before she leaves indefinatly.

I want to reconcile things with my mother.

I want to tame Geremy and make him understand that he is the one for me - not someone else.

I would like to become more sociable and less of an isolationist.

I want to go to the zoo and see the giraffes.

I want to expand my horizons, generally speaking.

But above all else, I want to leave a mark that I existed: I was here. I was hungry. I was defeated. I was happy. I was sad. I was in love. I was afraid. I was hopeful. I had an idea and I had a good purpose and that's why I do what I do.
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Transparent. [07 May 2007|03:07pm]
Photo class writing assignment.

A child hiding under the lacy frills of her mothers old wedding dress, white, transparent. Some-what audible and only slightly incoherent. She puts on layers of clothes, of makeup, of hairspray. So many items, so much cover but you can see right through her. Transparent. The oceans reflection of what appeared to be a clear, perfect day. Someone there stubs thier toe on a large stone burried in sand. Glass. At a church. Stained with beautiful reds and blues, makes up something so pure and beautiful but it is only representitive. Transparent. A boy looking through at his drunken mother through her glass of white wine. His face stretches to the cornors of the glasses and he tries to hold his breath but leaks air anyways. And the window of a home, protected. Looks out and waits. A feeling so small, yet so matured, I'd swear it's older than time. A piece of glass on the face of a watch or clock. A grandfather clock passed down three generations. Ding. Ding. 2 O'clock and she'd be home soon. A cheating husband dresses quickly and pushes his mistress out the door. But she can see. He's so transparent.

A woman lies dead on the floor. Her body has been rotting. Purples, blues, and greens show through her pale, decaying skin. Transparent in a way that disgusts most. Like a map to the inside of the body. How can skin be that thin? You try to answer but your tongue feels severed. Transparent. Driving south on the 51, the cloud of smog suffocating. An unbearable sight. The air is visible, so disgusting, it's unfortunatly solid. Like the somewhat visible scalp under the receeding hair of the 80 year old woman who nearly tripped coming up. Transparent like the cateracted eyes of a blind woman who lived on the cornor of your childhood home. She gave out the best halloween candy. Big candy bars for the children dressed up as ballerinas. Nearly transparent pink covers them from the waist down. White tights show thier skin, but only barely. It's better than being bare.
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i hate today. [26 Apr 2007|08:52pm]
everyone really decided to be a total asshole to me today and i let it slightly effect the best thing i have right now. here's what i have to say, i can't fucking wait for this school year to be over. i'm more than ready for summer, i'm definatly more than ready to never see some of these people again. fuck.
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[15 Apr 2007|01:45pm]
You said, "My life's like a bad movie." And I said, "It's true of all of us." And you said, "I have to wake up so fucking early." I said, "Maybe the directors turn on us."
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[14 Apr 2007|10:37pm]
We need a new word for 'over'.
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[02 Apr 2007|09:24pm]
Lord I love my man, tell the world I do. But when he mistreats me, makes me feel so blue. - Billie Holiday.

You go girl.
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Men. [24 Mar 2007|10:10am]
I doubt I'll ever think about him again. This makes another proud achievement in a relationship career that can pretty much be broken down into three catrgories:

1] Dating guys that I pretend to like more than I do just because I feel like having a boyfriend. They're usually equally as enthralled by me, and the whole thing ends with the same massive yawn it began with.

2] Falling ass-over-teacup in love with morons who treat me like crap. I'll suffer the rudest of humiliations to keep them and obsess over them long after they've given me the big heave-ho.

3] Treating love-struck guys like shit until I'm finally strong enough to shake them off my leg. Due to the fact that they're obsessed, I have trouble cutting the cord and tend to drag these ones on until they really start to stink.
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[23 Mar 2007|09:22pm]
Oh snap.
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[18 Mar 2007|05:14pm]
So my spring break sucked because I let it suck just how I let myself get walked all over! = )
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Inspirational Ketchup [15 Mar 2007|07:46am]
This morning I looked at a bottle of ketchup. It said, "For best taste use before date on bottle." It had an arrow pointing up. I followed the arrow and noticed the date "JUNE1108". What is so inspiring about this? I will be 18 when that ketchup expires. I will be graduated when that ketchup expires. It can't be that much longer. Am I right?
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[13 Mar 2007|09:17pm]
There was this time last October when I swapped my ideals for tea with Satan. Everyday of October, I would close my eyes and find myself before the Devil himself. We'd talk, and generally it would be of frivolous, of favorite foods, my relationships, parties, etc. He gave me some great ideas. He didn't like to talk about himself, and whenever I asked him, he'd steer clear of the subject.

I'm thinking that it was a mistake, tea with Satan. Would you like to have tea with me?
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[06 Mar 2007|06:50am]
i love and hate geremy freeman and i'm waiting until i can figure out which one is better. : )
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